Nincompoops In Nanoseconds

Dear CyberYenta,
I was in a Starbucks the other day and I made the mistake of asking for a "small" coffee.  The kid behind the counter looked at me like I was some kind of Neanderthal and he said, you mean "Tall."  No, I didn't mean "Tall" I meant "Small."  What the hell is going on?

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Well, let me tell you something about "The Real History Of Starbucks:"

About 40 years ago women got The Pill and for awhile they thought that having sex any old time they wanted with any old guy they wanted would be a lot of fun. But 40 years later women have figured out that having coffee and schmoozing it up with their girlfriends is still more fun than sex even with the Pill! And the minute they figured this out, Bingo!  There's a Starbucks on every corner. You think this is coincidence? Of course not.  Howard Schultz, the inventor of Starbucks, was quietly building an empire while people like Kinsey were writing reports!  Who cares about those reports anymore when now we can have a mochacchino frappachino Al Pacino!

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What Schultz also figured out was that he was creating an entirely new country; a foreign land, a place people could escape to for a quickie vacation.  First he invented the exciting new foods and drinks, then he invented a new language, then he created his first native of the land, the "barista."  And he had to teach them the new language.

 

Here is an example of a training session between Schultz and his trainee: 

 

SCHULTZ:
I’ll have a small coffee, please.

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THE KID BEHIND THE COUNTER
You mean a tall coffee.

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SCHULTZ
No, I asked for a small coffee.

KID BEHIND THE COUNTER
Sir, small is tall

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SCHULTZ

Good job!  If we keep this up, in time we will convince America that small is tall!  And after that, the world!

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In the land of Starbucks small is tall and once you get beyond small you’re out of the realm of English entirely:  A medium coffee is a “grande,” and a large coffee is a “venti.”  

 

Why did Schultz create a new language?  Women were flocking to Starbucks like crazy just to sit and talk to each other. The problem was men. Men don't sit like human beings and just talk to each other.  He could have put in a wide screen TV and shown sports all day.  He could have sold 25 cent beers.  Instead he figured if he could change “small” to “tall” that might work.  So Schultz created a place where “small” didn’t exist.  And men liked it.  What more can I say?  it worked!

 

Shalom and we'll talk again soon,
CyberYenta

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